The following lyrics have been penned by me after a recent event with our garden shed. It is a tongue-in-cheek view on what actually happened. To be fair, our old garden shed was becoming unserviceable over the past few years. We inherited the thing when we bought our house around 26 years ago and, looking back, it was obvious in a hidden kind of way that the shed was on its last knockings even then. The first hint anything was amiss was when several wooden shiplap panels fell off due to the tiny nails holding them on became rusty. As they fell off and couldn't be renailed on because the panels themselves were beyond 'seasoned', they split every time I tried to tack them back on; they also revealed the ancient black lining underneath which didn't take much effort to rip apart once exposed to the elements.
Gradually I transferred most of my decent tools out of the shed and it became a dumping ground every time a lawnmower, strimmer or garden shredder packed up. I purchased a smaller shed made of plastic and positioned it on some paving slabs elsewhere in the garden. We have a 95ft long garden so there was no problem finding an alternative site. What tools that didn't fit into what was ostensibly meant to be a temporary shed I found room for in our utility room. Then came the crisis last week when I dared to open the old shed door...
These lyrics (if you've got nothing better to do) should be sung to the tune of 'Brand New Key' (or 'I've Got A Brand New Combine Harvester')
(with apologies to Melanie Safka and also The Wurzels)
I went to get my mower out of my shed just last week
As I opened the door I heard a horrible creak
Then I looked above me and goodness bless my soul
The roof felt had come off and there was a gaping great hole
Now I need a brand new garden shed to protect every tool
For the rain is now pouring in and creating a swimming pool
I need the old shed knocking down
Right to the ground
Yes, I need a brand new garden shed before I bloody drown
Three blokes turned up when I contacted Checkatrade
Didn't take much for them to demolish the rotting old shed, I'm afraid
But the strangest thing of all was what they were called
Everyone's name appeared to be 'Mate', not a Joe or a Paul
Now I need a brand new garden shed to protect every tool
For the rain is now pouring in and creating a swimming pool
The old shed definitely needed knocking down
Right to the ground
So, I need a brand new garden shed before I bloody drown
Well, 'Mate' and 'Mate' and 'Mate' thought my name was 'Mate' too
I didn't correct them cos I thought it wasn't the right thing to do
But we all got on okay and so now one week hence
They've built a new shed where the old one stood near the garden fence
Now I've got a brand new garden shed and it's better than the one I had
It's been built bespoke with a strong frame and has been log lap clad
With two new doors so I no longer struggle with one
To get my mower out and get the gardening done
Yes, I've got a brand new garden shed and boy am I glad!
American folk singer-songwriter Melanie appeared at Woodstock in 1969 and released her big UK hit song 'Brand New Key' (also known as 'The Rollerskate Song') in 1971. Sadly, Melanie passed away aged 76 in 2024. The Wurzels (a re-formation of the late Adge Cutler and the Wurzels) had a series of parody songs in the UK charts during the 1970s, including 'I've Got A Brand New Combine Harvester', a parody of Melanie's 'Brand New Key' offering. As far as I am aware, The Wurzels are still performing live gigs in the West Country counties of the UK. Based in Somerset and self-described as a 'Scrumpy and Western' ensemble, their alternative lyrics to already established songs became classics in themselves.
Trevor Mulligan
